a squirrel in the snow

Squirrels: Top Three Countdown of Silly Squirrelly Stories

Speaking of squirrels, long ago someone once called me a squirrelly girl.  At the time, I conjured an image of a squirrel.  Then, I looked up the word in the dictionary to discover it meant eccentric; flighty.  Ok, fair enough.  Squirrelly may fit me on some days, like this one when I’ve decided to randomly write a post about squirrels.  Lucky for me, I have a stash of silly squirrelly stories in my pocket.  Lucky for you, I’ll whittle this countdown to three.

Squirrels: a squirrel in the winter

3. The Nonchalant Squirrel-Jacker

Just like squirrels like to hijack nuts from each other, I’m going to thieve one of my husband’s stories for the countdown.

It was a lovely day in Austin, weather-wise; but my husband couldn’t bask in it.  That’s because hospitalization after undergoing an emergency surgery wasn’t too pleasant.  The aftereffects of the surgery weren’t either…pain, frustration, and worst yet, intense hunger.  Forbidden to eat for eight days, food cravings taunted his every second.

Finally, he received the green light to chow, selected a giant chocolate chip cookie from the cafeteria, and embarked on a 45-minute process of maneuvering his aching body and an IV down a flight of stairs to an outside patio.  He located a picnic table.  Hobbled to it with his treasured confection, managing to sit.

That’s when the nonchalant squirrel-jacker happened.  The rodent jumped on the table, eyed my husband first, then the cookie.  “Leave! Go!” my husband screamed, using pitiful hand gestures.  But the squirrel sized him up, sensed his bare bones’ mobility, and walked straight for him.  Without a flinch, the squirrel casually picked up the cookie and strolled away.  Hence, my husband’s disdain for squirrels to this day, likening them to tree rats.

2. Squirrel Love and the Peeper

Months ago while checking my mailbox, I heard this strange sneezing sound.  I turned to find a male squirrel a few feet away vocalizing to a female squirrel perched up high on an oak.  Beyond curious, I rooted myself to that spot.  The squirrel noticed me; but didn’t mind my presence, which I considered bizarre enough.  But then things moved in a far freakier direction.

The female squirrel scurried down the trunk and stood in close proximity to the male.  She proceeded to bicker.  Then, quite suddenly, the squabble ended and the lovemaking commenced.  Yes, I confess I was a peeping squirrelly girl.  I witnessed firsthand–for the first time ever–squirrel copulation, and it didn’t disappoint no matter how brief.

But the female squirrel nurtured other thoughts on the matter.  After the deed’s climax, she scampered away without so much as a cuddle and assumed the exact same position as before on the tree.  But this time, she chattered in a surly tone and her lover listened, disheartened.  Even if I’m not so fluent in squirrel language, it’s safe to say the sex wasn’t too satisfying.

1. The Carbohydrate-Hurling Squirrel

One fine afternoon, I took a nice meditative walk through my neighborhood.  Fully relaxed in nature, I didn’t expect what came next.  Out of nowhere, something slapped my face.  Shocked, I keeled over with the force of the blow and grabbed my left cheek.  I looked to the ground to discover a piece of rock-solid stale bread.  Say what?

Quickly, I gazed up to the nearby tree and a squirrel stared back at me, undoubtedly the culprit.

Hmmm, perhaps the bread’s no-good even for a squirrel, I thought.

Or maybe…just maybe…the hurling carbohydrate-to-the-face was payback courtesy of that emasculated squirrel.  After all, I did laugh my squirrelly soul off while his mate critiqued the sex.

squirrels: a squirrel in a tree

These stories are 100% NON-FICTION, squirrel tested; but NOT approved for publication.  I posted anyway.

And if you like squirrels, pick up this classic book for your child (or yourself).  From an early age, Miss Suzy engaged my imagination, and informed both my curiosity and love of squirrels.

Also, enjoy this mammoth cookie-eating squirrel…